i've felt a knot in my stomach all day every time i thought about my earlier post.
was my wording too harsh?
was the act of putting my frustration and anger out here on the web a mean thing to do to those who i wrote about? what will they think when they read it, or hear about it?
i am fairly certain those people in question will be shocked and undoubtedly my opinions will be met with incredulity.
to alleviate my angst, i rationalize that real time confrontations over these issues have already happened, to no avail. it occurs to me that many people don't change as an act of will, but rather they are changed by what happens to them in their lives, and especially as a reaction to loss. loss of function, l0ss of family, loss of freedom. this idea makes me sad.
but i lost my naivety a long time ago, and i realized that we all live with our choices. and die by them. furthermore, i know that my choices in action will lead me to the place that i am seeking. so while i may hold a great deal of sentiment for a fellow on the path, if our choices are not leading us in a similar direction, soon we will part. to act against this principle retards all my other efforts to intentionally direct my own path, and i simply cannot allow that to happen.
c'est la vie.
i am incredibly grateful for the positivity and brilliance from so many people in my circles. i find encouragement in my daily interactions, with dear ones and strangers alike, who bolster my spirit and remind me that love is all around.
i feel better after writing this all out.
look for a change of pace with my next posts. all this drama wears too heavily on the fabric of my soul.
til then,
one
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
You need to stop manipulating people to change into what you want them to be. Instead, try some acceptance. I know it'll be hard with all the knowledge you have regarding the topics that have provided you with so much angst (This is not sacastic). But these are your loved ones- the same people that accept you for gifts AND faults.
i am manipulating no one. i want nothing more than health and peace for everyone i love.
and you are right, possessing knowledge, like money, seems useless when you cant share it with your loved ones.
but unlike money which is a much easier commodity for some people to trade in, knowledge requires something of its possessor. Bravery. Forthrightness. Consistency.
I cannot be consistent within my beliefs and continue to turn a blind eye to willful ignorance, sickening self-indulgence, or pitiful inaction anymore.
and as for this acceptance you speak so highly of, where was that as the three of you laughed behind my back as she fed spoonfuls of hormone and nitrate laden food into my baby's mouth? I guess the term "acceptance" doesn't refer to a parent's boundaries which have been clearly communicated that they have set for their kids.
to say that you, speaking on behalf of a group, collectively accept my faults, illuminates how i've felt for a long, long time. misjudged and dismissed by a gang of bullies who delight in pointing out the flaws in others but never scrutinize themselves.
I suppose you also think i should feel grateful, that even though i am not perfect, you all have decided to "love" me anyway.
i say "love" because i don't think any one of you is capable of feeling anything like real love, due to all the self loathing and denialism you practice. you act like characters in a soap opera, instead of real people.
The 'gorgeous bitch act' and 'the clueless mom-child' are no longer a joke to me. these characters are no longer funny. they are sad. and they have become real.
if you all would rather sleep, then sleep. but do not expect me to lie in bed next to you.
because here's what i've learned: neither you nor leslie have any loyalty. you care most for your own selves, your own comfort, your own image, your own drama. you will do and say things that are false while smiling brilliantly, if it means you might elevate your standing within the minds of who ever may be watching. And you always assume someone is watching.
meanwhile, i'm struggling through the time of my life just now. and although i am happier than ever, my day to day existence is HARD. Beyond hard. Beyond tiring. i could use all the help i can get. i realize now that i am better off holding my breath than depend on my sisters.
you had the opportunity to lighten the load, just a bit, for a short while, but instead you chose to shop. and party. and sleep.
you were great while spending time with us at my house. then lulu got jealous and then we hardly saw you again. what happened?
backing out after you agreed to babysit really caught me off guard.
i was really looking forward to having a few hours to myself. but i guess you needed your special time more.
as for lulu, she chooses to booze, and bitch, and spew profanity. she used to be much nicer, but lately...whew.
and mom, bless her heart, she tries so hard. and she does so well on her own. i wouldn't have survived this year without her. it's only when she tries to impress you queen bees that she acts out of character just to make you laugh. i know she wants to feel accepted by you. but how sad for children to have such an effect on a parent. she should feel loved by you without having to resort to gags involving my children's nutrition.
like i said before, people's lives are defined by the choices they make. what do your choices say about you?
Post a Comment