i have to admit that the tone of this blog, my online diary, has taken a turn for the nastier.
regrets to those who merely tuned in to catch a glimpse of precious angels, but instead got an episode of girls behaving badly.
i feel a bit polluted by what has transpired.
but what better way to start a new year than resolving to be better, stronger, faster,smarter.
here's what is brewing in my brain:
more love
more life
more prosperity
joyous greetings to loved ones who continue to support us as we seek to tread a righteous path.
let's all elevate in 2008.
Monday, December 31, 2007
nutrition elitest
there's an old math joke based on equivalences that goes: 'garbage in, garbage out.'
you are what you eat.
i'm not a snob, i'm a warrior.
expect no apologies. there are none coming.
you are what you eat.
i'm not a snob, i'm a warrior.
expect no apologies. there are none coming.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
processing angst
i've felt a knot in my stomach all day every time i thought about my earlier post.
was my wording too harsh?
was the act of putting my frustration and anger out here on the web a mean thing to do to those who i wrote about? what will they think when they read it, or hear about it?
i am fairly certain those people in question will be shocked and undoubtedly my opinions will be met with incredulity.
to alleviate my angst, i rationalize that real time confrontations over these issues have already happened, to no avail. it occurs to me that many people don't change as an act of will, but rather they are changed by what happens to them in their lives, and especially as a reaction to loss. loss of function, l0ss of family, loss of freedom. this idea makes me sad.
but i lost my naivety a long time ago, and i realized that we all live with our choices. and die by them. furthermore, i know that my choices in action will lead me to the place that i am seeking. so while i may hold a great deal of sentiment for a fellow on the path, if our choices are not leading us in a similar direction, soon we will part. to act against this principle retards all my other efforts to intentionally direct my own path, and i simply cannot allow that to happen.
c'est la vie.
i am incredibly grateful for the positivity and brilliance from so many people in my circles. i find encouragement in my daily interactions, with dear ones and strangers alike, who bolster my spirit and remind me that love is all around.
i feel better after writing this all out.
look for a change of pace with my next posts. all this drama wears too heavily on the fabric of my soul.
til then,
one
was my wording too harsh?
was the act of putting my frustration and anger out here on the web a mean thing to do to those who i wrote about? what will they think when they read it, or hear about it?
i am fairly certain those people in question will be shocked and undoubtedly my opinions will be met with incredulity.
to alleviate my angst, i rationalize that real time confrontations over these issues have already happened, to no avail. it occurs to me that many people don't change as an act of will, but rather they are changed by what happens to them in their lives, and especially as a reaction to loss. loss of function, l0ss of family, loss of freedom. this idea makes me sad.
but i lost my naivety a long time ago, and i realized that we all live with our choices. and die by them. furthermore, i know that my choices in action will lead me to the place that i am seeking. so while i may hold a great deal of sentiment for a fellow on the path, if our choices are not leading us in a similar direction, soon we will part. to act against this principle retards all my other efforts to intentionally direct my own path, and i simply cannot allow that to happen.
c'est la vie.
i am incredibly grateful for the positivity and brilliance from so many people in my circles. i find encouragement in my daily interactions, with dear ones and strangers alike, who bolster my spirit and remind me that love is all around.
i feel better after writing this all out.
look for a change of pace with my next posts. all this drama wears too heavily on the fabric of my soul.
til then,
one
fall out
so in the past few days, i've hesitated in writing anything down.
uncertainty and a sense of politeness have prohibited my choosing a direction for expression.
so in order to avoid a long stretch of being stifled in so many ways,
here's what's been under the surface-
so, I neglected to return to my hometown for Christmas. I disappointed my family who took my showing up there to be a foregone conclusion. Everyone assumed that my babies would spend their first Chrismas in East Texas. Everyone except their father and I.
After enduring two extremely trying visits to Palestine, we knew that celebrating Christmas at home in Austin would be the best thing for our family.
To be honest, we were both pretty shocked and offended at the way were treated at my mom's house. You would think a close family would rally around to help out a pair of tired worn out parents, and maybe try to make life a bit easier. Not so in our case. Historical petty fighting, social drama and boozing won out over compassion. Not to mention my own mother feeding my babies POISON behind my back.
Of course, she has not awakened to the fact that so-called Brand/Product Loyalty is a form of slavery, that keeps her and millions like her suffering from needless health problems. But her lack of awareness is her own choice- she is admittedly 'happier' turning a deaf ear to the truth, all the while gobbling up waste and proliferating trash. Mindless consumption disease is eating her alive.
i've tolerated this ignorance by choice for many years, but now that i am a mother myself, i realize that i can tolerate it no longer, for the wellbeing of my precious ones. and what she, my mother, doesn't realize is that not only do i not want her to feed my kids velveeta and big red, but i don't want them to be around role models who use that garbage. She thinks i am crazy and paranoid.
So thats been a major source of tension for sometime now.
Well, the parents made the trip to visit us yesterday.
i was happy to see them, especially on my own turf. at least the girls were able to stay safely in their little carefully cultivated child freindly environment. mom's house isn't even baby proofed---she says that the lit candles in heavy pewter holders sitting on doilies on low tables within reach of the little ones are like "a game" for my girls. while i know she would never intentionally hurt my girls, sometimes, she so completely lacks the intent to NOT hurt them, i am left baffled and speechless.
My speechlessness is what i am most ashamed of. the fact that this is all coming out, after the fact, in a blog, is shameful. but i have to get it out somehow, and this is the medium i am most comfortable in today.
So along with the parents came many "gifts". And as much as it truly pained me to make her aware, many of the items she brought for the babies were, well, toxic. Dolls from the national recall list, vinly bath toys painted with lead paint. in her defense, not all the toys were purchased by her, some were from my equally oblivious sister.
in the moment, i accepted the gifts. later i told her which ones were poisonous and why. she agreed to take them back, but it was clear i had hurt her feelings and annoyed her. i tried to give her evidence and facts, but she just cut me off during my explanations, as usual. she doesnt want to know.
she asked if toys were dangerous in the "good old days" i said YES. and by the way, the "good old days' are a figment of your imagination. she left quickly, not wanting to hear anymore of my 'ranting'.
I see no end to this contention. and it really bums me out.
but the way i see it, is she can either wake up, or leave us alone. because i'm not going to continue to expose my children to toxicity, objects or people, just because we are related to one another.
i want to know what you think-if you care to share it.
of course there is much much more to this issue, as it involves years of family drama.
but i believe that my situation is not unique, so if you have wisdom from your own experience to share, please do.
here's a simpler question:
how would you deal with receiving gifts for your kiddos that are on the National Recall List?
off to work.
more later.
uncertainty and a sense of politeness have prohibited my choosing a direction for expression.
so in order to avoid a long stretch of being stifled in so many ways,
here's what's been under the surface-
so, I neglected to return to my hometown for Christmas. I disappointed my family who took my showing up there to be a foregone conclusion. Everyone assumed that my babies would spend their first Chrismas in East Texas. Everyone except their father and I.
After enduring two extremely trying visits to Palestine, we knew that celebrating Christmas at home in Austin would be the best thing for our family.
To be honest, we were both pretty shocked and offended at the way were treated at my mom's house. You would think a close family would rally around to help out a pair of tired worn out parents, and maybe try to make life a bit easier. Not so in our case. Historical petty fighting, social drama and boozing won out over compassion. Not to mention my own mother feeding my babies POISON behind my back.
Of course, she has not awakened to the fact that so-called Brand/Product Loyalty is a form of slavery, that keeps her and millions like her suffering from needless health problems. But her lack of awareness is her own choice- she is admittedly 'happier' turning a deaf ear to the truth, all the while gobbling up waste and proliferating trash. Mindless consumption disease is eating her alive.
i've tolerated this ignorance by choice for many years, but now that i am a mother myself, i realize that i can tolerate it no longer, for the wellbeing of my precious ones. and what she, my mother, doesn't realize is that not only do i not want her to feed my kids velveeta and big red, but i don't want them to be around role models who use that garbage. She thinks i am crazy and paranoid.
So thats been a major source of tension for sometime now.
Well, the parents made the trip to visit us yesterday.
i was happy to see them, especially on my own turf. at least the girls were able to stay safely in their little carefully cultivated child freindly environment. mom's house isn't even baby proofed---she says that the lit candles in heavy pewter holders sitting on doilies on low tables within reach of the little ones are like "a game" for my girls. while i know she would never intentionally hurt my girls, sometimes, she so completely lacks the intent to NOT hurt them, i am left baffled and speechless.
My speechlessness is what i am most ashamed of. the fact that this is all coming out, after the fact, in a blog, is shameful. but i have to get it out somehow, and this is the medium i am most comfortable in today.
So along with the parents came many "gifts". And as much as it truly pained me to make her aware, many of the items she brought for the babies were, well, toxic. Dolls from the national recall list, vinly bath toys painted with lead paint. in her defense, not all the toys were purchased by her, some were from my equally oblivious sister.
in the moment, i accepted the gifts. later i told her which ones were poisonous and why. she agreed to take them back, but it was clear i had hurt her feelings and annoyed her. i tried to give her evidence and facts, but she just cut me off during my explanations, as usual. she doesnt want to know.
she asked if toys were dangerous in the "good old days" i said YES. and by the way, the "good old days' are a figment of your imagination. she left quickly, not wanting to hear anymore of my 'ranting'.
I see no end to this contention. and it really bums me out.
but the way i see it, is she can either wake up, or leave us alone. because i'm not going to continue to expose my children to toxicity, objects or people, just because we are related to one another.
i want to know what you think-if you care to share it.
of course there is much much more to this issue, as it involves years of family drama.
but i believe that my situation is not unique, so if you have wisdom from your own experience to share, please do.
here's a simpler question:
how would you deal with receiving gifts for your kiddos that are on the National Recall List?
off to work.
more later.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Rock & Roll soothes the soul
spent most of yesterday with one of our favorite families, the Hannons.
Mr. Dovey shredded their ramp until minor injuries prevented him from continuing.
the lovely Mrs. Hannon and I played babies and discussed our outrage at a few specific prescription therapies that are currently on the market.
anyone heard of PREMARIN or PREgnant MARe uRINe?
gross. especially since it is extracted from abused/rescued animals by the SPCA.
millions of women are prescribed this compound as hormone replacement therapy (progesterone). i dont know about you, but i think i'd rather grow a mustache to rival Burt Reynolds than take abused horse tinkle extract alongside my vitamins. The industrialization of cultivating animals and animal by products is a sickness in and of itself, in my opinion.
after daylight faded, we (mrs. hannon and I) put away our soapboxes and joined the boys playing virtual rock band video game. those kids are really good. somehow i got talked into playing the singer role. i wailed on a few songs, quite literally. My favorite was "Paranoid" by the band Garbage. the brutal virtual voice coach seemed to approve of my performance on this one. I just tried to imagine Shirley Manson rocking out and channeled that energy.
so even after getting all rilled up over 'Big Pharma' and animal rights, not to mention the usual complaints against insensitive family members, we found solace in screeching out rock tunes and banging away at the drums and guitar.
I guess this just goes to show: jamming is the best medicine.
Mr. Dovey shredded their ramp until minor injuries prevented him from continuing.
the lovely Mrs. Hannon and I played babies and discussed our outrage at a few specific prescription therapies that are currently on the market.
anyone heard of PREMARIN or PREgnant MARe uRINe?
gross. especially since it is extracted from abused/rescued animals by the SPCA.
millions of women are prescribed this compound as hormone replacement therapy (progesterone). i dont know about you, but i think i'd rather grow a mustache to rival Burt Reynolds than take abused horse tinkle extract alongside my vitamins. The industrialization of cultivating animals and animal by products is a sickness in and of itself, in my opinion.
after daylight faded, we (mrs. hannon and I) put away our soapboxes and joined the boys playing virtual rock band video game. those kids are really good. somehow i got talked into playing the singer role. i wailed on a few songs, quite literally. My favorite was "Paranoid" by the band Garbage. the brutal virtual voice coach seemed to approve of my performance on this one. I just tried to imagine Shirley Manson rocking out and channeled that energy.
so even after getting all rilled up over 'Big Pharma' and animal rights, not to mention the usual complaints against insensitive family members, we found solace in screeching out rock tunes and banging away at the drums and guitar.
I guess this just goes to show: jamming is the best medicine.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
museum outing
took girlbears to the Blanton for the afternoon.
they were much more responsive to the artworks than i had expected.
they kept motioning with their tiny hands, in grand sweeping movements while muttering little whispers that surely meant they were impressed.
they enjoyed my pointing out babies and other recognizable animals in the pictures. some sculptures caught their attention, especially brightly colored shapes or ones with lights.
i will certainly be taking them back there again soon.
and this may be the beginning of a holiday tradition--the after christmas museum trek.
good thing Blanchard's Charity was near the end of our journey.
this one made the girlbears hungry.
PS-the Blanton's 'no double strollers' rule is paranoid and arbitrary. it stinks, but the art is worth tolerating this annoyance, even if there is plenty of room for mine and many other strollers to fit through the expansive gallery aisles.
they were much more responsive to the artworks than i had expected.
they kept motioning with their tiny hands, in grand sweeping movements while muttering little whispers that surely meant they were impressed.
they enjoyed my pointing out babies and other recognizable animals in the pictures. some sculptures caught their attention, especially brightly colored shapes or ones with lights.
i will certainly be taking them back there again soon.
and this may be the beginning of a holiday tradition--the after christmas museum trek.
good thing Blanchard's Charity was near the end of our journey.
this one made the girlbears hungry.
PS-the Blanton's 'no double strollers' rule is paranoid and arbitrary. it stinks, but the art is worth tolerating this annoyance, even if there is plenty of room for mine and many other strollers to fit through the expansive gallery aisles.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
21st century HoliDays
celebrating the birth of christ consciousness on earth
the birth of a precious spirit to invigorate the masses
the angels woke to gifts
and celebrated thru nap time which lead to a spell of crankiness in the late afternoon.
concocted the tastiest dish of my career, so far...
eggs benedict with tahini mustard creame spinach, grilled feild roast, smoked avacado relish and chipotle hollandaise.
listening to: knocking on heavens door.
now...it's a celebrations, bitches.
live streaming video
chatting with my homie in afganistan
but only for a few seconds.
making new plans
resolving for the future to be better than i am today
so much love present
my favorite celebration yet
incredible food, spirit, and presents.
photos and more reflections to come.
the birth of a precious spirit to invigorate the masses
the angels woke to gifts
and celebrated thru nap time which lead to a spell of crankiness in the late afternoon.
concocted the tastiest dish of my career, so far...
eggs benedict with tahini mustard creame spinach, grilled feild roast, smoked avacado relish and chipotle hollandaise.
listening to: knocking on heavens door.
now...it's a celebrations, bitches.
live streaming video
chatting with my homie in afganistan
but only for a few seconds.
making new plans
resolving for the future to be better than i am today
so much love present
my favorite celebration yet
incredible food, spirit, and presents.
photos and more reflections to come.
Friday, December 21, 2007
minimizing uncertainty
so the let down wasn't as painful as i feared.
HR person said she really hated to give me the bad news, and she is looking for other positions that I may be a good fit for. So i'm still 'on deck', only now I have a friend on the inside.
That's as good as bad news can get, if you ask me.
so onward and upward from here on out.
minutes later it occurs to me
disappointment tastes bitter the longer you chew on it.
i honestly feel relief more than anything.
relieved of uncertainty. back in full swing in the present.
picking up the shreds of paper
left underfoot by a pair of christmas vandals
who busted open a present of their own.
now, excuse me while i go bake up some goodies.
HR person said she really hated to give me the bad news, and she is looking for other positions that I may be a good fit for. So i'm still 'on deck', only now I have a friend on the inside.
That's as good as bad news can get, if you ask me.
so onward and upward from here on out.
minutes later it occurs to me
disappointment tastes bitter the longer you chew on it.
i honestly feel relief more than anything.
relieved of uncertainty. back in full swing in the present.
picking up the shreds of paper
left underfoot by a pair of christmas vandals
who busted open a present of their own.
now, excuse me while i go bake up some goodies.
waiting is the hardest part
still sitting by the phone.
avoiding calls from bill collectors, praying for a call from a certain HR person.
cleaned the bathroom, made the beds and prepared a lovely brunch for my sweetheart.
about to shake some trees, hoping something falls out.
tick tock tick tock.
two oh clock is the mental deadline.
if i dont hear by then, i will know the answer isnt coming.
and then, i will bake some cookies.
avoiding calls from bill collectors, praying for a call from a certain HR person.
cleaned the bathroom, made the beds and prepared a lovely brunch for my sweetheart.
about to shake some trees, hoping something falls out.
tick tock tick tock.
two oh clock is the mental deadline.
if i dont hear by then, i will know the answer isnt coming.
and then, i will bake some cookies.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
pre-meditating minutes
if you want to know yourself, examine yourself.
make a study.
write things down.
experiment.
create.
allow what is hidden to become plain.
all will be revealed to those who seek to know it.
whoa. that was interesting. that last bit just zipped out.
my fingers felt more convicted than usual, in typing this message.
is that a sign?
i am asking myself because it feels like a sign.
who knows anymore?
our mechanisms are so worn out, we cant help but read false positives.
with all the inundating poisions, it's easier than ever to trick one's physical system into believing one thing or another.
so we must now, more than ever, be in touch with the truth and as much pure love as possible.
peace is possible, when what is within becomes expressed,
digested and laid to rest.
the rhyme enticed and i followed suit.
but my TRUE feelings about peace and creativity is NOT one of consumption and death but rather GIVING and INVIGORATING. so let that be how we leave things for now.
make a study.
write things down.
experiment.
create.
allow what is hidden to become plain.
all will be revealed to those who seek to know it.
whoa. that was interesting. that last bit just zipped out.
my fingers felt more convicted than usual, in typing this message.
is that a sign?
i am asking myself because it feels like a sign.
who knows anymore?
our mechanisms are so worn out, we cant help but read false positives.
with all the inundating poisions, it's easier than ever to trick one's physical system into believing one thing or another.
so we must now, more than ever, be in touch with the truth and as much pure love as possible.
peace is possible, when what is within becomes expressed,
digested and laid to rest.
the rhyme enticed and i followed suit.
but my TRUE feelings about peace and creativity is NOT one of consumption and death but rather GIVING and INVIGORATING. so let that be how we leave things for now.
the magic word is: MIRROR
a new day is already well underway, so i thought it best to stop editing yesterday and get started on today.
what ever today is.
no more anxiety. or doubt. or leaving pleading voicemail messages asking for news and offering to help contact references (guilty).
i have a bit of time now to practice my practice.
so i'm off to face down the dog (adho mukha svanasana) .
i need to BE me for a little while.
after these messages, we'll be right back!
t
what ever today is.
no more anxiety. or doubt. or leaving pleading voicemail messages asking for news and offering to help contact references (guilty).
i have a bit of time now to practice my practice.
so i'm off to face down the dog (adho mukha svanasana) .
i need to BE me for a little while.
after these messages, we'll be right back!
t
Monday, December 17, 2007
better in my mind
so far, i have all but failed to keep current in my blogging efforts.
however, with this entry i shall grasp at redemption, and vow a renewed commitment.
as promised in my initial post, i have career news.
I completed a full round of interviews with my target employer today.
Now, only time will tell whether i am the target candidate or not.
of course i am going over every little detail of my interactions with a scrutinizing eye.
will my interviewers compare 'thank-you' notes and find that i said the same thing to all of them?
if so, how embarrassing! but how damaging is this, really?
also, i should have asked how long the deliberations are expected to take. 1 day, 2 days, a week? they said quickly...but relativity is a funny thing.
now, i have no fixed point in the future to concentrate on to relieve my anxiety. oh well...
here is where time kicks in and plays its little game.
lucky for me i have plenty of distractions built into my life.
for instance, the girl-bears are winding down in their beds, slowly into sleep.
the sounds of their babbling makes me so uniquely happy.
i know that no matter what, when i wake up tomorrow ( and probably several times in between) i will still be in full service of my duties as the dovies' mom, and that is more than enough for me to be self satisfied.
before i sign off, i just want to say that i hope that my interviewing committee had an easy time with their decision, and that the best fit, most qualified candidate wins.
truthfully, i hope that the candidate with the best haircut wins. in that case, i'm a shoo-in!
;)
please forgive me for the indulgence of vanity, i was brought up to value beauty (and lies) above all else.
humor and sassiness are my tonic for doubtfulness and worry.
along with a few other things...
however, with this entry i shall grasp at redemption, and vow a renewed commitment.
as promised in my initial post, i have career news.
I completed a full round of interviews with my target employer today.
Now, only time will tell whether i am the target candidate or not.
of course i am going over every little detail of my interactions with a scrutinizing eye.
will my interviewers compare 'thank-you' notes and find that i said the same thing to all of them?
if so, how embarrassing! but how damaging is this, really?
also, i should have asked how long the deliberations are expected to take. 1 day, 2 days, a week? they said quickly...but relativity is a funny thing.
now, i have no fixed point in the future to concentrate on to relieve my anxiety. oh well...
here is where time kicks in and plays its little game.
lucky for me i have plenty of distractions built into my life.
for instance, the girl-bears are winding down in their beds, slowly into sleep.
the sounds of their babbling makes me so uniquely happy.
i know that no matter what, when i wake up tomorrow ( and probably several times in between) i will still be in full service of my duties as the dovies' mom, and that is more than enough for me to be self satisfied.
before i sign off, i just want to say that i hope that my interviewing committee had an easy time with their decision, and that the best fit, most qualified candidate wins.
truthfully, i hope that the candidate with the best haircut wins. in that case, i'm a shoo-in!
;)
please forgive me for the indulgence of vanity, i was brought up to value beauty (and lies) above all else.
humor and sassiness are my tonic for doubtfulness and worry.
along with a few other things...
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